Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
