If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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