This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
