This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
