mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
