I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
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I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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