The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
