when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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