Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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