Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
