its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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