what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
