Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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