I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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