Kareoke will never be a sober sport
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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