Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
