I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
