She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
