just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
