i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
