I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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