You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
