I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Two words: nipple clamps
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