He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
