Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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