My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
