Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
