apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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