i barfeds in our rink
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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