dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
