if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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