Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
