you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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