The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
