I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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