Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
