I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
