Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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