she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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