I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
