You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
