I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
