I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
