I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
