idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
