Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
