when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
