Your face is a jimmy john
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
