we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
