why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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