I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
