I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
