Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
