I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
