i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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