It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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