My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
