my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
