I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
