having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
